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What a sad little article, Game Developer.
Disclaimer: Light cannibal references. No persons or characters fictional or otherwise were cooked, nibbled, or ingested in the writing of this article.
When Cooking Week was merely a twinkle in our eye, the Game Developer editors gathered together to ask how we could shine a light on some of the latest, greatest, and most iconic cooking titles to have graced our screens over the years.
Brainstorming is taxing, so after working up a mental sweat my mind quickly turned to what I'd be having for dinner later that evening. Then it struck me. What if I could EAT video game characters? What would they taste like? How would I cook them? Would they pair well with a nice wine?
After a conducting a series of morally dubious but scientifically accurate thought experiments I believe I have some answers. Grab some cutlery and come with us on a revelatory culinary journey that has all but guaranteed us a Pulitzer.
Image via Bandai Namco
Here's a creature that screams 'stick me in the oven for 20 minutes and dunk some fresh sourdough in my gooey, earthy centre.' Don't be fooled by the name. Pac-Man isn't even remotely humanoid. What we actually have here is the thinking person's camembert. A sentient cheesewheel infused with a fragrant profile that can only come from feasting on the souls of ghouls and miscellaneous fruit. If you can coax him out of that maze you'll have a show-stopping centrepiece sure to get your dinner party guests talking. Pair with Pinot Noir.
Image via Nintendo
I simply must lick this thing. That might sound like a strange, potentially career-ending admission, but hear me out. During my extensive Bulborb research, I discovered that not only do these alien oddities swallow Pikmin and live nocturnally, they're also very likely amphibious and unfathomably diverse. Much like the humble frogs and toads that have made our world their home, I posit that bulborbs must produce potent toxins capable of delivering a transcendental high or painful death. Just look at the size of their pupils. You're telling me that creature hasn't sampled its own wares? Whatever you say, narc.
Image via Pokemon.com
This lad is a walking, squawking two-for-one-deal. Not only are you getting a plump slab of poultry that we reckon would pair nicely with a generous drizzle of Kanto's finest hoisin, but the boisterous tyke is guaranteed to come with a side serving of greens. Bulbapedia is unsure whether Farfetch'd is lugging around a leek or spring onion, but that doesn't matter. The best chefs are adaptable, and we're at the top of our game. Duck pancakes, I choose you.
Image via Zelda Wiki (eientei95)
Ah, nature's stock cubes. Perfect for sticking in a stew or bolognese to really elevate those core flavors. The bulbous eyes might be a little off-putting so you'll probably want to dispatch those before serving. We know a tunic-clad mute who can do a job. What you'll have left are potent shots of pure, undiluted Hylian seasoning that'll have you screaming 'Hya!' after inevitably reaching culinary nirvana.
Image via Wikipedia (Fair Use)
He's an egg.
Image via Noclip Game History Archive
From E3 2006 to my plate. The best thing about Giant Enemy Crab (based on the historical Japanese figure of the same name) was that it spawned a bunch of memes and ensured nobody would ever, ever forget about seminal video game Genji: Days of the Blade. The second best thing about Giant Enemy Crab is how it would taste drenched in creamy mayonnaise and stuffed into buttery brioche rolls.
Image via Wikipedia (Screenshot taken by User:Spottedowl)
What is a Q*bert? An isometric cube-hopper trapped in a cosmic void. Well, yes. But he could be so much more. Specifically, I believe Q*bert is a prime candidate for popcorning. I suspect a gaggle of Q*berts, pan-fried in generous lashings of the finest quality oil, would transform into crunchy, perhaps slightly nutty, snacks ideal for a cozy movie night on the couch. Salted. Sweet. Maybe a mixture of both? Treat yourself, you rambunctious devil.
Image via Nintendo
We know frogs are considered a delicacy in some regions, but we think people need to cast the net out even further. Is there a good reason nobody has considered chowing down on a sentient space-faring toad? Just look at this rotund hunk. Now there's someone rich in protein and presumably all manner of fatty acids. Wait until his shields are low and slap him in the deep fryer. Cook until decadently crunchy and serve with spicy mayo. The galaxy's loss is our tastebuds' gain.
Image via Koei Tecmo Wiki / YouTube
The best thing about Cuccos is how docile they are. Just pick one up and chaperone it to the kitchen. No muss, no fuss. There will be absolutely zero consequences after scoffing one of Hyrule's most prevalent pieces of poultry. None at all. Huh? Did you hear tha–
Image via Unsplash
These wacky characters have spent decades feeding off the industry's best and brightest minds. Gulping down and regurgitating their work to satisfy the needs of insatiable shareholders. Like the finest foie gras on planet earth, cultivating such bloated livestock is often the result of reprehensible methods, but we hope the end result is worth savoring. Eat the rich, baby.
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