Featured Blog | This community-written post highlights the best of what the game industry has to offer. Read more like it on the Game Developer Blogs or learn how to Submit Your Own Blog Post
"With what I can only describe as a thick solid buttery atmosphere engulfing me inside a life-sized butter churner as I started to mentally consider, let alone mentally prepare for actually returning to work. What I needed was a metaphorical hot knife..."
(If you haven't read by previous blog on "Death of a Time Lord" do so here as a pre-requisite to this...)
Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/dolfe_steele
With the last year feeling like a Christmas episode of Doctor Who with an imminent male lead change plus character revamp. I'm now moving into the stage which is the kicking off of the new series and moving into the initial episodes where The Doctor acts crazy, clueless and unpredictable whilst pissing off the companion until he finds his feet...
...A Time Lord's Eulogy...
With what I can only describe as a thick solid buttery atmosphere engulfing me inside a life-sized butter churner as I started to mentally consider, let alone mentally prepare for actually returning to work. What I needed was a metaphorical hot knife to cut through this, which the writing and posting of the "Death of a Time Lord..." post was targeted to be. To somehow externalize that atmosphere away from myself and into people's own minds.
The writing of the post was like an exorcism of a regenerating soul, refreshing and soothing. BUT the clicking of the 'post' button which for felt like an eternity as I hovered over the left mouse button, as if holding a loaded gun to the head. The spiralling thoughts started...will this harm me? Am I committing social suicide? Will this further bury me in that lovely overgrown butter churner? I concluded that only time would only tell, then clicked and just the laptop lid...
...Adding rocket fuel to a forest fire...
A trigger, ammunition or fuel, whatever you want to call it. Our cognitive processes built on our personal belief system, carved by our nurturing and nature throughout our lives which is the core of who we are. These with daily external and internal stimuli create our thoughts, ideas and mental imagery that can either be healthy or unhealthy based on the behaviour associated with them.
Now that what I previously described as a gradually inflating balloon of not helium but depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsivity is now in a state of deflation, the focus within recovery now will be therapy for the next twelve weeks will be aiming to understand my cognitive processes thought patterns, particularly the harmful behaviour that go me into the position I've been in this past year.
...This could be a case for Mulder and Scully?...
On a night not unlike all the others in the past couple of weeks, it contains many an X-Files episode. But one of the episode in that nights binge ended with the below statement...
"We work in the dark...We do what we can to battle the evil that would otherwise destroy us...BUT, if a man's character is his fate, it's not a choice but a calling...Sometimes the weight of this burden causes us to falter. From the fragile fortress of our mind, allowing the monster without to turn within...We are left alone staring into the abyss, into the laughing face of madness..."
Fox Mulder - The X-Files - Episode: Grotesque
This ending statement got stuck in my head...on loop. It hit me and I couldn't shift it. The line "BUT, if a man's character is his fate, it's not a choice but a calling..." together with the current impending focus on therapy got me thinking. What will I become post therapy? Will I be in essence learning to suppress behaviours albeit possibly unhealthy that have been defining me and helping me propel through my life?
...Lego Nazi...
Pondering further, my obsessive compulsive behaviours dated back as far as I could remember but obviously unknown to me at the time and let it be. Looking back now it seems so easy to see that I had a preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organisation and schedules; perfectionism along with an excessive devotion to work and productivity at the expense of leisure activities and friendships...
Playing Lego with my father, acting in a dictatorship type role with specifications on what would need to be built to university where I was a complete overachiever and always over delivered versus the set specification. Leading group work teams and doing ALL of the work or redoing it to ensure success...
I sit here and chuckle to myself. Have I subconsciously gone through life searching for ways to fuel the compulsive behaviour traits? Thus In end finding a job that in essence is the condition in job description form...Producer/Project Manager...
...Want to know my secret? I'm always angry...
It's hard to hate or think about wanting to dissect/lessen parts of my obsessive compulsive nature, even though yes I know they had played a massive part in me getting to a really shitty point (maybe a slight understatement). It's me isn't it? If I looked back at life without these traits being so prominent, would I have been as successful or hard-working as I am?...
I sit here as I write this wondering do I now have to live a life of Bruce Banner, avoiding any trigger to unleash the beast he hides and knows is within him? Or do I continue to let the beast thrive and propel me successfully forward (in most respects) and try to keep it at bay? The key question is whether I continue working within a role that asks of me what my whole being craves, but in turn can get lost within?...
...The Rebirth...
With all the above twirling in my mind. My insides and body beginning to feel like a wet rag being twisted, with the draining of perspiration and dirt of my past self...pulled, twisted, drained, pulled, twisted and drained. I can feel the metamorphosis in progress. Is this meant to be possible? Am I over thinking? Or is it just withdrawal symptoms as I taper off of the medication creating this feeling and illusion? All my previous likes and dislikes being gnawed away by my reforming 'soul'. Uncomfortable, itchy feet, can't sit still, I go to the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror. This me isn't me, is it? How does this new reincarnation need and want to be reflected? Why does my face express differently than before? Why has out of this metamorphosis have I received this 'new' face? This is the next phase of my journey...
...Sharing is caring...
The rebirth of a new identity is becoming both scary and somewhat exciting, now that there is light at the end of the tunnel. But the biggest scare and hope is that no matter what person I become, therapy will aid me with some foresight into spotting the tipping point.
I guess I will always have to live with the fear ever looming, that the monster within will provide ample opportunity to get lost within myself as at the core it knows I crave that...'The Hulk' within wants me to cater to those cravings, even now as I type this I can feel it stirring, guiding my thoughts and imminent wants/desires...
My next short-term focus is to see how the first blog has been received by my family, peers and seniors. With hope that a short candid tale can help people open up their eyes and end the stigma behind mental health. It shouldn't be something to be ashamed of.
To be continued...
Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/dolfe_steele
Read more about:
Featured BlogsYou May Also Like
